Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
Be still, my beating vagina.
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
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