we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
Randomize
