The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
Randomize
