A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
