Kareoke will never be a sober sport
wakey wakey hands off snakey
i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
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