The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
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