I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
Randomize
