You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize