dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
