Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
Randomize
