Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
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