Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
Randomize
