the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
