shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Randomize
