Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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