the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
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