If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
Randomize
