I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
You left your underwear on the fireplace
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
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