nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
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