Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
Randomize
