He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
Randomize
