Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
Randomize
