what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
Randomize
