I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
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