Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
I don't know if I have the sustained energy level for partying hard
Not a choice. You are mistaking my comments as options. My statements are facts. This is what is happening.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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