dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
please remind me not to sleep with group members until after finals week.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize