I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
Randomize