I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
Randomize
