for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
I'm sorry you missed class, the topic today is copy and paste. I'm not even kidding.
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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