too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
Randomize
