you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
