you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
She made me pour olive oil on her.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
