If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
a guy from my religion class just walked in with a red cup. hello first friday of 2nd semester.
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
