omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
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