im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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