I faked an abortion last night.
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
Randomize
