I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
My vagina is officially offended.
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
