Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
Randomize
