Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
Randomize
