just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
