somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
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