Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
Randomize
