Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
we're chasing vodka with high fives
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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