If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
Ok thats it i need a list. Full names, nicknames, in which frats, with a photo, of all the guys youve hooked up with because three of the same guys is ridiculous
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
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