how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
Randomize
