I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
