I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
Randomize
