I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Randomize