you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
