I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
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