Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Randomize
