you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
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