But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
Randomize
