i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
I know I'm not a hook-up kind of chick but he is a firefighter & an EMS worker. I felt like maybe I'd be a good person if I let a good person inside of me
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
Randomize
