Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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