I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
