WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
Randomize
