I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
i drank out of a bidet.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
Randomize