I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
Randomize
