How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
