I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
I still have a little drunk in my system
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
Randomize
